day 3: the office
Wednesday, 31 May, 2006
And by the office I do not mean the Ricky Gervais
television show, but rather the little office that
will be my home for the next 3 months.
The office is little. It has a little computer, old, and lacking an internet connection. The office has some bits of paper stuck to a board with pins. One of the bits of paper stuck to the board with pins is the masterpiece "The Office Clerk's 10 Commandments". Allow me to translate them for you.
1) The pen is mightier than the assault rifle and the computer is mightier than the grenade launcher
2) Nobody opens up to the office clerk, or... [don't worry, I don't get that one either]
3) He who digs a hole for the office clerk will themselves fall in it
4) On leave the office clerk is a babe magnet
5) Only the office clerk is a real man
6) War does not need men, but office clerks
7) Nobody says no to the office clerk
8) When God is sick, the office clerk deputises
9) One office clerk matches five grenadiers
10) I am right, therefore I am office clerk
How true, how true. Though they're not really "commandments", more like "universal truths". I'll spare you the full list detailing the "Evidence of the Power of the Office Clerk", another classic pinned to the board, but I will share just a few here.
1) Office clerks invaded Normandy
2) Office clerks knew the ending of Titanic before it ended
3) Office clerks built Rome in a day
4) Office clerks brought the Sex Pistols to Finland
5) Office clerks turned water into wine and coffee into Koskenkorva vodka
We are indeed a powerful bunch, us office clerks, as Nisha (it's about time you went with the phonetic spelling, Noisy) kindly pointed out in his comment.
Anyway, I enjoyed my training for the job today, which included walking to the main mailroom and collecting the day's mail, transferring information about who needs train tickets and to where from one list to another, ditto for bus tickets and getting an authorisation form for aforementioned train tickets signed by the platoon commander, the one and only John Village-Magpie. I feel I may need a few more weeks of training to make sure that I can adequately perform my duties at the highest level, but I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that I can serve my country, and that that service will ensure that Finland remains free from the strangle yoke of Russian imperial rule. Ah, brings a tear to your eye, this patriotism, tugs right at the ol' heart strings, it really does. Makes me want to burst into song.
The office is little. It has a little computer, old, and lacking an internet connection. The office has some bits of paper stuck to a board with pins. One of the bits of paper stuck to the board with pins is the masterpiece "The Office Clerk's 10 Commandments". Allow me to translate them for you.
1) The pen is mightier than the assault rifle and the computer is mightier than the grenade launcher
2) Nobody opens up to the office clerk, or... [don't worry, I don't get that one either]
3) He who digs a hole for the office clerk will themselves fall in it
4) On leave the office clerk is a babe magnet
5) Only the office clerk is a real man
6) War does not need men, but office clerks
7) Nobody says no to the office clerk
8) When God is sick, the office clerk deputises
9) One office clerk matches five grenadiers
10) I am right, therefore I am office clerk
How true, how true. Though they're not really "commandments", more like "universal truths". I'll spare you the full list detailing the "Evidence of the Power of the Office Clerk", another classic pinned to the board, but I will share just a few here.
1) Office clerks invaded Normandy
2) Office clerks knew the ending of Titanic before it ended
3) Office clerks built Rome in a day
4) Office clerks brought the Sex Pistols to Finland
5) Office clerks turned water into wine and coffee into Koskenkorva vodka
We are indeed a powerful bunch, us office clerks, as Nisha (it's about time you went with the phonetic spelling, Noisy) kindly pointed out in his comment.
Anyway, I enjoyed my training for the job today, which included walking to the main mailroom and collecting the day's mail, transferring information about who needs train tickets and to where from one list to another, ditto for bus tickets and getting an authorisation form for aforementioned train tickets signed by the platoon commander, the one and only John Village-Magpie. I feel I may need a few more weeks of training to make sure that I can adequately perform my duties at the highest level, but I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that I can serve my country, and that that service will ensure that Finland remains free from the strangle yoke of Russian imperial rule. Ah, brings a tear to your eye, this patriotism, tugs right at the ol' heart strings, it really does. Makes me want to burst into song.
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day 2: potatoes
Tuesday, 30 May, 2006
There are some odd names in Finland, when I stop to
think of them. The platoon commander's name
translates directly to "John Village-Magpie"
(including hyphenation). Simply unnecessary. Be the
village, be a magpie, but surely you can't be both.
And potatoes. Lots of potatoes. Every meal consists of potatoes - I would not be surprised if the breakfast porridge is made of potatoes.
That's about it for the day. It's been a real thriller. Though I did have my physical check-up this morning, and learned that I still have perfect hearing and perfect vision. And I managed a nap in the afternoon. And I'm going to get a couple of free trips to the UK this summer. And the army has decided to pay for my rent during these 3 months (shhh... don't say "what rent?"). And I went to the gym. So I suppose I did achieve a lot today.
Tomorrow morning I have some more medical tests (blood, liver and kidney functions). Then I think I will begin my official duties as an office clerk. I look forward to relaying to you the excitement of what must be some very challenging tasks to come...
And potatoes. Lots of potatoes. Every meal consists of potatoes - I would not be surprised if the breakfast porridge is made of potatoes.
That's about it for the day. It's been a real thriller. Though I did have my physical check-up this morning, and learned that I still have perfect hearing and perfect vision. And I managed a nap in the afternoon. And I'm going to get a couple of free trips to the UK this summer. And the army has decided to pay for my rent during these 3 months (shhh... don't say "what rent?"). And I went to the gym. So I suppose I did achieve a lot today.
Tomorrow morning I have some more medical tests (blood, liver and kidney functions). Then I think I will begin my official duties as an office clerk. I look forward to relaying to you the excitement of what must be some very challenging tasks to come...
day 1: the famous oven mitt
Monday, 29 May, 2006
Well, I am finally here. In a forest, in Finland. The
temperature is 7C (45F) and wet, with the weather
forecast promising frost overnight. Frost! Can you
believe that? It's almost June! Anyway, I am well
insulated against the cold, dressed in my army
fatigues, surprisingly comfy boots and an
outrageously small (and consequently tight) pair of
green underpants, just in case I need to hide in a
cauliflower patch in enemy territory with my pants
around my ankles. I should probably get those
changed. I got all my equipment (including winter
gear, which basically means lots of white woollen
garments). And, in honour of Jo-Jo, the (in)famous
oven mitt that is worn on the left hand to protect
the soldier from burns while firing the RK-64
Finnish-made assault rifle on serial fire. It gets
hot, trust me. And it's a very trendy oven mitt -
kind of a Michael Jackson thing that we have going on
here. I am, in fact, hoping that I will not have to
fire the gun at all, as they have kindly placed me in
the special international rapid deployment forces
(i.e. the batallion where they also train the
professional peace keepers who go to Kosovo and East
Timor and other nice places like that) as an... wait
for it... office clerk! My job responsibilities will
include fetching the mail twice a day, filling in
holiday request forms and generally becoming an
expert in form-filling and military bureacracy. I am
already scheming that this inside position might
provide me with a unique opportunity to game the
system... Talk about putting my education to good
use...
Oh, the other major news is that apparently it's not 93 days, it's 95 days. So that runs me through to September 3rd, not the 1st. Well, on the bright side, the gym is good, the World Cup is on soon and the rye bread keeps me regular. Until next time.
Oh, the other major news is that apparently it's not 93 days, it's 95 days. So that runs me through to September 3rd, not the 1st. Well, on the bright side, the gym is good, the World Cup is on soon and the rye bread keeps me regular. Until next time.